Monday, February 28, 2011

For December 13th ....

this is no poetic rambling
or tangled painting of words
this 
is merely a story ..... and i have always struggled with the sharing of it
some writing comes easy for me;
   the conveying of thought & emotion of some enchanted
possessed journey of the heart & soul--things full 
of cosmic images & poignant leaps of faith
   yet telling a tale so personal 
   that bleeds & is so vastly different comes with difficulty

42 years ago this December
my first husband Chuck & i were hit by a drunk driver
newly married
living away from home in a big city
-- 21 and a half years young
we had been at a work christmas party
and strangely didn't have anything to drink that night
this was slightly unusual for us,, 
   but Chuck had a couple beers earlier that day at a bronco game 
and i had to work very early the next morning
the hosts made jest by pouring milk into wine glasses
it was rather hilarious. 
both our memories shut down that night, 
as we stood on our friends front porch 
in a light, freezing drizzle discussing (mildly arguing) where we parked the car
the next thing i knew
i was lying down in a too bright, too cold space 
with lots of hustle & worry in the air
someone told me Chuck had been transported to another hospital 
as he had sustained a severe head injury  
my right femur was completely shattered--as i had been thrown 
thru the windshield then ricocheted back into the car
(i was not wearing a seat belt--it didn't work actually
but i had on this thick, long, heavy fur coat of my mom's
that coat probably saved my life)
certain moments of that time 
42 years ago 
still seem like yesterday; 
the look on the faces of my mom & dad as they entered the room
the sudden awakening to pain
the gentle & remarkable touch from all the caregivers
the HUGE amount of love that poured forth from Chuck's family 
OOH his sisters!!
the immediate anger & shock from our friends that then morphed into this loving encompassing humor & vigilance
and i so remember 
lying in that bed & watching the sparkly snow at night 
and the surrender of all control to something more
something bigger
some serendipitous things later surfaced--
that there was an ambulance 
a block away that saw the accident happen
that in a big major-metro area
they took us to a hospital where a dear doctor/friend happened to be the one on call & he recognized us immediately
and of course the magic of the big fur coat


                         


ultimately, 
i would have hypnosis to recall & deal with the trauma from that night in a more healthy, more positive fashion 
ultimately, 
i would continue to search for release from the trauma and I would find it
though i would still feel the vibrations of that event 42 years later in oh so many ways

life is amazing
and sometimes the balls are fun & easy to catch 
and there is blue sky all around 
... and sometimes the balls are too fast & furious 
and we might not catch them at all
sometimes we 
grab & hold on fast 
and the game continues until the next bobble or bump

and sometimes we just have to let go
hold our arms wide & hope 
obviously, there are many layers of meaning & story here 
(like the drinking & driving thing)

but there is so much more
hold fast to those stories that come your way...
listen, laugh & love with all your heart

Saturday, February 12, 2011

JUXTAPOSED














there was a time ....
when i was content to be suzy-chapstick-shortcake
all butterflies & pink
frosted & pretty
polished & shiny-like
as the chrome on that 1958 beige rambler
that sits idle in that driveway there .
there ....
perfect & forgotten
smelling like my mother's tabu & pendelton sweater
pearls & bonanza all wrapped up like a present ...
your present
waiting to ferment,
simmered .
age does that....
this time
today
now
i am gypsy-crazy
intently wandering for something dark & blue
my core of pierced truth
draped in broken fragments of my eternal pixie-vision
to desire
to stand awash in the blood, bone & breath of all that has come before
and all that lingers
pulsing beyond the borders of
this knowing
this time ...
awaiting only my own blossoming
of dragon-blood fire thick & ethereal as an approaching thunderstorm
whirling
learning
growing
reaching
not content
not pink
but tangled in blues & greys ,,,
yearning into the far empty corners of my want
gypsy-crazy
as i intently desire .....
wakefulness