Monday, February 28, 2011

For December 13th ....

this is no poetic rambling, or tangled painting of words.
this is merely a story ..... and i struggled with the sharing of this.
some writing comes easy for me ; the conveying of thought & emotion of some enchanted, possessed journey of the heart & soul - things full of cosmic images & poignant leaps of faith .... yet telling a tale so personal that bleeds & is so vastly different comes with difficulty… 
30 years ago this past December, my first husband Chuck & i were hit by a drunk driver. 
newly married, living away from home in a big city
- 21 and a half years young. 
we had been at a work christmas party, and strangely didn't have anything to drink that night. this was slightly unusual for us,, but Chuck had a couple beers earlier that day at a bronco game and i had to work very, very early the next morning. the hosts made jest by pouring milk into wine glasses. 
it was rather hilarious. 
both our memories shut down that night, as we stood on our friends front porch in a light, freezing drizzle discussing ( mildly arguing ) where we parked the car. .... 
the next thing i knew, i was lying down in a too bright, cold space with lots of hustle & worry in the air. Chuck had sustained a severe head injury and was transported to another hospital. my right femur was completely shattered, as i had been thrown thru the windshield then ricocheted back into the car. i was not wearing a seat belt - it didn't work actually, but i had on this thick, heavy fur coat of my mom's . that coat probably saved my life. certain moments of that time 30 years ago still seem like yesterday; the look on the faces of my mom & dad as they entered the room, the sudden awakening to pain, the gentle & remarkable touch from all the caregivers, the HUGE amount of love that poured forth from Chuck's family ... particularly his sisters, the immediate anger & shock from our friends that then morphed into this ribald humor & vigilance. 
and i so remember lying in that bed & watching the sparkly snow at night and the surrender of all control to something more, something bigger. 
some serendipitous things later surfaced ... that there was an ambulance a block away that saw the accident happen, that in a big major-metro area, they took us to a hospital where a dear doctor/friend happened to be the one on call & he recognized us immediately , and of course, the wearing of the big fur coat. 


ultimately, i would have hypnosis to recall & deal with the trauma from that night in a more healthy, more positive fashion and ultimately ... i would come to still feel the vibrations of that event 30 years later in oh so many ways . 
life is amazing, and sometimes the balls are fun & easy to catch and there is blue sky all around 
... and sometimes they are fast & furious and we might not catch them at all. 
sometimes we grab & hold on fast and the game continues until the next bobble or bump. 
and sometimes we just have to let go, hold our arms wide & hope . obviously, there are many layers of meaning & story here ... like the drinking & driving thing. but there is so much more .
hold fast to those stories that come your way...
listen, laugh & love with all your heart.

Saturday, February 12, 2011


there was a time ....
when i was content to be suzy-chapstick-shortcake
all butterflies & pink
frosted & pretty
polished & shiny-like
as the chrome on that 1958 beige rambler
that sits idle in that driveway there .
there ....
perfect & forgotten
smelling like my mother's tabu & pendelton sweater
pearls & bonanza all wrapped up like a present ...
your present
waiting to ferment,
simmered .
age does that....
this time
i am gypsy-crazy
intently wandering for something dark & blue
my core of pierced truth
draped in broken fragments of my eternal pixie-vision
to desire
to stand awash in the blood, bone & breath of all that has come before
and all that lingers
pulsing beyond the borders of
this knowing
this time ...
awaiting only my own blossoming
of dragon-blood fire thick & ethereal as an approaching thunderstorm
not content
not pink
but tangled in blues & greys ,,,
yearning into the far empty corners of my want
as i intently desire .....