July 31

there are no marked days here at the end of July

no birthdays, half-birthdays, appointments, no anniversaries,
nothing stands out
no X on a calendar

2 weeks before my mother died
she
began randomly and with no explanation
marking days off

one X after another
X X X ....

she died 14 days after that first squiggly X

did she know ?

did she have some secret ethereal clue
or was she merely marking the days off
until i was due home for a visit
and
instead

she died

things
shifted
love; jammed & dammed
anger surfaced sharp & deep
cars kept driving, people kept working
and
no one seemed to notice
but me

my dad was in the hospital
recovering from yet another round of normal
congestive heart failure

the night before, we laid side by side in his hospital bed
watching ER
he felt ...
cold

( i can still smell his aftershave)

he woke the next morning

and while sitting on the edge of his bed,
drinking a cup of coffee
he had a massive heart attack and
died

he died

things shifted ~
love; jammed & dammed
anger surfaced sharp & deep
cars kept driving, people kept working
and
no one seemed to notice
but me

those holes are looming
looming for no reason
on these marked days
anger buried
love recovering
they died in October of different years
it feels so long ago

maybe
it is all this rain